I used to live in Las Vegas, NV & I was invited to a party by my friend Rue, who was celebrating he and his wife's new 2 story house in September, which is cold to locals and just about tropical to normal people.
He had a bonfire and some lawn chairs set up in the gravel back yard, full open bar and decent music.
So many people showed up that there just wasn't room to stand inside, so I went to the backyard and snagged a coveted chair and remained toasty by the bonfire.
Rue's wife went on a beer run and Rue joined me in the backyard, we talked about how he didn't even know most the people there, just as he said that a short woman with blonde hair and a pink tube dress and clear stilettos wobbled her way across the gravel, carrying a beer (probably the one too many)
She leans over Rue's face, shovin' her +2's in and he was trying to be polite, lean away and offer her to take his seat, but instead she wanted to sit on his lap. Poor Rue knew the wrath of his wife would probably remove a part of his face with her back hand if she even -thought- he was messing with this chick.
He continued to push this girl away and she thought he was just being coy so she took it to the next level and went to go sit on his lap again, well...Rue back handed her in defense and she lost her balance.
Falling ass backwards into the bonfire.
In that moment, seeing her one leg straight in the air, her hair instantly fried and everyone's face just go completely blank, I felt myself cover my mouth because I knew I was going to laugh, feeling the tears fill up my eyes.
Instead of yelling "HELP!" or even "AAAAHHHH!!!" she yelled "FFHHHIIRRGGG!!!!!!!"
Which is drunk speak for "Fire" I'm guessing, any case, its not what *I'd* yell if I were going ass first into flames.
I was snorting into my palms as Rue pulled the blond out, she was fine, just a little charred on her back, butt, legs and her short hair got a little shorter and darker.
She didn't seem to know exactly what had happened but one of Rue's single friends, a geeky guy, was all too happy to take her to the hospital. He got to carry the girl like a true hero.
As Rue's backyard fence door swung shut there was this awful and yet awesome moment of silence, even the music got quiet and we all starred, then finally everyone laughed and I finally was able to laugh, knowing I couldn't control it too much longer.
Like a weasel from Rodger Rabbit, "YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU CANT STOP LAUGHING!!"
The tears rolled and I had to lay on my side in the gravel, I couldn't help it.
It might sound terrible of me to be laughing at an event where someone could have gotten seriously hurt but, she was fine and when I knew that, I let myself truly laugh, not just my regular nervous laugh.
One of my favorite memories .. stories is one my friends and I lovingly refer to as the
"Lebowski incident"
Its 2 A.M and you have no food in the house and take out just doesn't sound good anymore, so what do you do? You call your gal pal and make a run at wally world.
Scary during the daytime, yes, but generally tame at the early A.M hours.
My friend Haley and I already have a battle plan, dart to the grocery section, pay and bolt. It sounded so simple...
The parking lot was nearly empty and thankfully so was wally world.
Haley and I split up anyways, no need to waste time, right?
I was in charge of the cart and took it down the bread isle when a man dressed in a carpet-texture brownish-orange bathrobe, a single Birkenstock and sunglasses walks past me, carrying two wet noodles, you know...the kind you slap people with in pools.
I told myself not to turn around as he passed me but of course I did.
I saw his bare foot and the behind view led me to believe he may have had a really bad day, I swear I saw a tire mark from perhaps a child's bike.
I covered my mouth, knowing what was coming....the giggles...oh no...no...no...don't laugh at him...he could have a gun...don't....laugh, I thought.
Luckily, Haley came and dropped a bunch of stuff into the cart and distracted me.
I let her have the cart and ran back to look for latex gloves, I had to ask for where they were at, the poor lady gave me a look like
"I will tell the police what you look like"
I found the gloves and ran full speed back, passing isles till I saw the Lebowski again, standing noodle-free in the pool isle, looking up at the top shelf at those crappy 5 by 8 above ground pools.
I continued to the check out isle, Haley was angry because in the time of wally world being empty, more people had shown up and there was actually a line with just one register open, naturally.
As we waited Haley showed me youtube clips on her new fancy phone but we both were jaw-drop stunned by the Lebowski walking up behind us, a wally world helper dragging this huge pool box.
Just then, the lane next to us opens and Lebowski and his helper move the box over, he checks out right as we're checking out.
Following behind him Haley keeps whispering in my ear, questions I didn't have an answer for like "What happened to his shoe" and "Are those tire marks?"
I'm already fighting the giggles and shes not helping, I grind my teeth through my smile.
Haley parked close to the door and she pushed our cart out, I couldn't stop looking over yonder...where on the opposite parking isle as Lebowksi refused his helpers services and dragged the box himself.
I thought "There's no cars over there, how far is he gonna drag this thing?" So I continued to look back as we walked.
Then he stopped, to a single Vespa, chained to a bike rack. He looked at the box then the Vespa, then the box again.
Then it hit me, he is trying to figure out either A) Why did I buy an above ground pool. or B) This won't fit on my lap.
My eyes filled up with tears and I laughed once, kind of like Ally Sheedy in the breakfast club. Only my laugh echoed.
I covered my mouth and Haley finally looked to see what was so funny.
She saw Lebowski throw his arms in the air and yell at the box, point at the vespa, yell at the sky, kick the box then throw his only remaining shoe across the parking lot.
I was on the ground at this point, grabbing my sides and trying to cover my face, BREAATHE I thought BREEAAATH
Haley had to help me to my feet and even seat belt me inside, the whole ride home was a mixture of scolding from Haley and breathing exercises.
Ah, good times.
